Snowflakes and Rejection

Once again back in jolly olde' England, I revel in the snowy winter wonderland that has transformed my beloved England into a very, very good interpretation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Every time I go for a snowy walk, I expect to meet Mr. Tumnus carrying his umbrella and parcels past the Lamppost. While it has yet to occur, I hold out hope! England is magical place after all! I may or may not have stayed up until 3 in the morning the other night simply watching the sparkling flakes scurry and swoop past my window.

Classes have not yet resumed, so I am left with time to play in the snow and also worry about PhD applications as well as other fascinating trials and tribulations that comprise the life of a 21 year-old girlwoman (yes, I'm making that a thing). However, I was incredibly refreshed and replenished by Sunday night's church service this week. The Pastor focused on the rejection faced by Samuel when the Israelites demanded a King to rule over them, and how we as humans constantly face this crippling emotion. He detailed the different responses to rejection and I came to realise that I am known as a 'fighter.' In order to avoid experiencing rejection, I will push and push myself to be the best at everything I do, whether it be academic, personal, or spiritual. When this inevitably fails, I am utterly crushed and mentally berate myself for failing to be perfect (cause perfection is entirely possible...NOT!).

I have struggled with this burden my entire life, but Sunday, the Lord helped me see that I am tired of it. I am exhausted by trying to be perfect. I cannot please everyone. I have horribly awkward moments. I make many, many mistakes. And that's ok. (My mother will be so proud of that last sentence). Because what the Lord showed Samuel, our Pastor, and eventually, me, is that He will never reject me, never cast me away because I mess up. I might fail an assignment (the very thought of which makes me literally quake in my soul), the guy I like might think I am a basket-case (not a bad thought actually...), I could make a mistake in my job, and (oh boy here's a biggie) I might not get into a PhD program. But no matter what: it's ok. The God of the universe has seen me, seen my innermost soul, and HE will not run away.

Once I come back to that incredible realisation, I wonder why I ever put so much pressure on myself in the first place?! Oh yeah, because I'm a silly, puny human! But I guess that is what snow is for. It is the 3am reminder that God took the time to design that tiny snowflake swishing past my window. Irregardless of life's trials and tribulations and despite my failures and insufficiencies, the snow will continue to fall, God will still love me, and I will still hope beyond all hope to find Mr. Tumnus in the wood behind my dorm.

Dissertation Lowdown: 11,800-14,800 words to go. Title: Unknown. Topic: Using Gothic Constructs and Pagan Folklore Structures to Discuss Christianity. Mood: September'scominguprealfast.