Snowflakes and Rejection

Once again back in jolly olde' England, I revel in the snowy winter wonderland that has transformed my beloved England into a very, very good interpretation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Every time I go for a snowy walk, I expect to meet Mr. Tumnus carrying his umbrella and parcels past the Lamppost. While it has yet to occur, I hold out hope! England is magical place after all! I may or may not have stayed up until 3 in the morning the other night simply watching the sparkling flakes scurry and swoop past my window.

Classes have not yet resumed, so I am left with time to play in the snow and also worry about PhD applications as well as other fascinating trials and tribulations that comprise the life of a 21 year-old girlwoman (yes, I'm making that a thing). However, I was incredibly refreshed and replenished by Sunday night's church service this week. The Pastor focused on the rejection faced by Samuel when the Israelites demanded a King to rule over them, and how we as humans constantly face this crippling emotion. He detailed the different responses to rejection and I came to realise that I am known as a 'fighter.' In order to avoid experiencing rejection, I will push and push myself to be the best at everything I do, whether it be academic, personal, or spiritual. When this inevitably fails, I am utterly crushed and mentally berate myself for failing to be perfect (cause perfection is entirely possible...NOT!).

I have struggled with this burden my entire life, but Sunday, the Lord helped me see that I am tired of it. I am exhausted by trying to be perfect. I cannot please everyone. I have horribly awkward moments. I make many, many mistakes. And that's ok. (My mother will be so proud of that last sentence). Because what the Lord showed Samuel, our Pastor, and eventually, me, is that He will never reject me, never cast me away because I mess up. I might fail an assignment (the very thought of which makes me literally quake in my soul), the guy I like might think I am a basket-case (not a bad thought actually...), I could make a mistake in my job, and (oh boy here's a biggie) I might not get into a PhD program. But no matter what: it's ok. The God of the universe has seen me, seen my innermost soul, and HE will not run away.

Once I come back to that incredible realisation, I wonder why I ever put so much pressure on myself in the first place?! Oh yeah, because I'm a silly, puny human! But I guess that is what snow is for. It is the 3am reminder that God took the time to design that tiny snowflake swishing past my window. Irregardless of life's trials and tribulations and despite my failures and insufficiencies, the snow will continue to fall, God will still love me, and I will still hope beyond all hope to find Mr. Tumnus in the wood behind my dorm.

Dissertation Lowdown: 11,800-14,800 words to go. Title: Unknown. Topic: Using Gothic Constructs and Pagan Folklore Structures to Discuss Christianity. Mood: September'scominguprealfast.

A Holly Jolly New Year: It's the Best Time of the Silent Nights

Where has Scholastic Sara been since her last revelational post? Since she discovered her critical super powers and took off to demolish her essays in a single bound? She's been in sunny CA :) After the quickest and most exciting three months of my life, I came home for a Christmas reboot. Unfortunately, my superhero cape was malfunctioning, so I had to fly United. This was unfortunate as the ratio for that scenario is Sara: Flying as Indiana Jones: Snakes. However, after 16 hellish hours, I was hugging my parents at LAX and dragging one suitcase full of Christmas presents home.

After a stop at the Brio family restaurant of choice: McDonald's, I was greeted by one very confused and excited puppy and the single most comfortable bed on the face of the planet: complete with flannel Christmas sheets. Home Sweet Home, indeed!

Being home has allowed me to recharge and stock up on food, holidays spent with family, sleep, and thrift store trips with my Mommy, before heading back for my next semester, not to mention some much needed Vitamin D! Furthermore, I have reveled in the silence of a home free of partying freshmen and general Uni cacophony.

I thought that coming home would feel like a vacation-a quick trip-especially since I've loved living in England much more than I originally anticipated. I wasn't expecting to fall in love with California all over again. However, my very wise Aunt saw through my problem instantly and offered me a solution. She told me that I have two homes, two families. I have my Mom and Dad, family and friends (and one insanely adorable niece) here in California, as well as my church family, who will always be here for me and support and encourage my dreams.

I also have my England family. These are the people who are walking with me as I embrace this new chapter in my life and take my first steps into the "real world." They are there with hugs when I am homesick, jumpers when I am cold, and songs when I am happy. This made me realize that I am not giving up my life here by moving to England; I'm simply adding more members to my family. In fact, I don't necessarily think I have to separate these groups into two distinct spheres. My world is simply undergoing an expansion.

So am I sad to leave California? Of course! I'll miss living at home, seeing my parents outside of a tiny Skype screen, hearing my little Annie call out "Sawa! Sawa! Tia!!!!! Where are youuuuu?!" when we play hide and seek, my best friend and I laughing so hard we end up lying on the ground gasping for air, driving my car around while blasting country music (Goodness gracious great balls of fire I forgot how much I love DRIVING!), and all of the comforts of home. But this time, when I board that plane, I am not facing the unknown, I'm simply embracing my expanded comfort zone.

Dissertation Lowdown: 12,000-15,000 words to go. Title: Unknown. Topic: Approved! Mood:Takingamuchneededbreak.